The next several blogs will be comprised of short series and topics for the counselor/helper. The first series will be taking a look at the nature of the counseling process, and tips in working through the initial stages of the process.
The second short series will look at what growth in the process looks like, why we sometimes get stuck in the process, and defining our role as counselors.
This first blog is designed to help us explore the concept of self. Who Am I? Ask yourself this question. What are the first thoughts that come to your mind when you answer that question? Are they positive or negative thoughts? Imagine the most negative thought that you just thought about yourself, and repeat that thought over and over again. Now, imagine that this is the main belief that you have about yourself. This constant replay of the negative message is what I will discuss in this paper as negative self-talk. This self-talk becomes so internalized that it becomes the automatic belief that defines our self. These beliefs become so ingrained that it becomes a functional core truth that is used to define a self that is based on inaccuracy. These false beliefs can become the functional truths of the self.
My concept of the self relies on the premise that an authentic self can be known and therefore, can be lived out in everyday life. I believe that we live out either an authentic self or a false self. Our authentic self can only develop if at our core we believe, and therefore, function out of truth. A false self believes, and therefore, functions out of lies. These lies can be something that a person has been told by another, been modeled, or internalized along their life. However they got there, the work of finding their true identity begins with exploring what it is that they believe about themselves as truth.
This exploration into the core self focuses on two distinct, yet interrelated concepts. The first being a foundational beliefs of the self built upon the truth of who God is and who we are in Him. The second is the unique individual we were created to be, with all of our interests, personality, personal qualities, likes, dislikes, etc.
Wikipedia defines the self as: 1. The total, essential, or particular being of a person; the individual. 2. The essential qualities distinguishing one person from another; individuality. 3. One’s consciousness of one’s own being or identity; the ego. 4. One’s own interests, welfare, or advantage. Also, the Free Dictionary defines the philosophy of the concept of the self as “…the essential qualities that make one person distinct from all others… The self is the idea of a unified being which is the source of consciousness. Moreover, this self is the agent responsible for the thoughts and actions of an individual to which they are ascribed. It is a substance, which therefore endures through time; thus, the thoughts and actions at different moments may pertain to the same self.” These definitions of the self seem to encapsulate what I believe the construct of the second aspect of defining the authentic self.
Cognitive theory “…maintains that how one thinks largely determines how one feels and behaves” (Corsini, p229). This theory would suggest then that the self is based on what is thought of about the self. These thoughts become automatic core beliefs that we have about ourselves. I think that those core beliefs are based on either lies or truths. The goal of counseling would be to examine what those beliefs are, and how they affect all areas of the client’s life. I believe that it is possible to be an authentic self, and to have core beliefs that are based on truth. In my work, specifically with Caucasian, Christian, people, we explore the goal of establishing their authentic self and living it out in their everyday life. Unfortunately this populations seems to have received, and internalized message of no worth, little value, being a failure, not measuring up, needing to be perfect, – just to name a few. These beliefs always seem to umbrella some sort of “not good enough” mentality. They accept this mentality as reality, and live their life functioning out of a lie that they have traded for truth. For this reason, I believe it is imperative to do the hard work of establishing an authentic self.
In Hamlet, William Shakespeare wrote:
This above all:
To thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
In this blog series I will explore tips/concepts to help counsel people struggling to establish an authentic self and help them deal with answering the question “who am I?”
Tip#1: Define the Foundation
I conceptualize the journey to find the authentic self as being best described by using a House/Foundation metaphor. Each of us has a different style home with varying features, but the authenticity of that home depends on the foundation on which it is built. Unfortunately, most of the people I am counseling right now have built their house on a faulty foundation. They have traded truths for lies, which they have built an entire life (house) upon only to find it now crumbling around them. They have found their house showing the wear and tear of life, and have tried to superficially make changes to repair it. As they have scrambled to patch up the cracks in the drywall, rearrange furniture, remodel rooms, cover the problems up with wallpaper and paint; they find this is unsustainable. In counseling I use this metaphor to help counselees understand that it is not their house that is faulty, but the foundation itself. They have constructed themselves, and their lives, based on faulty foundational beliefs. I encourage them that in counseling we must begin by tearing down the house, which is very difficult task. I am asking them to give up everything they have worked their whole lives thus far constructing. However, I encourage them that a new house can be constructed once the foundation is secure.
Next, we must bring in the heavy equipment and rip up the faulty foundation. I describe this process as talking the most work, the longest amount of time, and it is often a very painful process. I am asking them to rip out a foundation that has been in place for a long time, and look at difficult messages that they have constructed themselves, and their house upon. I believe it is only then that they can lay a new foundation built on truth. Replacing the lies with truth, they can then begin to reconstruct their house. This work begins with identifying the core falsehoods that they have internalized as truth. They have used these falsehoods as a foundation that is not stable. In Matthew 7:24-28 Jesus talks about building our house on the rock or the sand. I believe that we can have a stable foundation built on the rock of God’s truth while we still get to be an authentic individual when reconstructing our house. The goal becomes to reconstruct our house based on the solid foundation of who we are in God, and enjoying the uniqueness he has created us to be. I often think of how God did not create any stripe pattern of the zebra the same, nor did he create another unique individual as me, or as my client. This should give us great comfort that He never intended us to be just like everyone else. Think about it, there has never been another you at any time in history, and never will be! God desires us to enjoy the uniqueness of who we are created to be.
The first step in the discovery of the faulty foundation is to explore what is the current negative self-talk of the client is. We need to explore what it is that they say to themselves about themselves as truth. It is the foundational identification and replacement of these beliefs/self-talk that I will discuss in my next blog.
