The holiday season can be a joyous time filled with love and togetherness, but it can also bring a fair share of stress, tension, and family conflict. Coping with difficult family relationships during the holidays can be challenging, but with some strategies, you can navigate this time more smoothly. Below are some tips to help you cope with family difficulties during the holidays.
Difficult family relationships and dynamics can come in many forms, such as conflicts over relationships, finances, or past events. Some families have a history of unresolved issues or ongoing tension, while others may have sporadic and intense arguments. These dynamics can create a sense of unease and discomfort for certain family members, especially during the holiday season.
Holiday events often bring family members together, exacerbating existing tensions or triggering new conflicts. While some individuals may look forward to these gatherings and enjoy connecting with loved ones, others may feel anxious or stressed about potential confrontations or uncomfortable interactions. Perhaps they display upsetting or inappropriate behaviors, are loud, aggressive, rude, insensitive, or want to fight and debate every intense topic.
To navigate family situations, and reduce your distressing feelings, there are healthy and positive ways for you to deal with whatever may come at you from family or friends at your next holiday gathering.
Set Realistic Expectations:
Watching those holiday movies (you know the ones I mean) you would think everyone loves each other, all things get easily resolved, oh, and of course, you meet the love of your life who happens to be a rich prince (just kidding…although if that happens to you this holiday season, let me know😉)
Seriously though, for some reason, we often think that holiday gatherings will be different from any other time of the year. I am sorry to say, it will not. All the stuff that is there every other day of the year will also be there on the holiday.
You cannot control what happens on family occasions, or how other people act, respond, think, or feel. You can only control and are responsible for your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Release the pressure to make it all perfect, or go into it thinking this time will be different. You know your family and what happens when you all get together, so go into your event with realistic expectations. Do not set yourself up to be disappointed.
Identify Your Triggers:
Triggers are topics or situations that activate your nervous system, resulting in tense emotions, and can bring on or worsen mental health issues. When you are triggered, you may experience an increased heart rate, your body can become tense, and your brain’s fight, flight, or freeze instinct may kick in.
You can cope with these triggers by identifying what they are, and having solutions figured out ahead of time, rather than in the moment frantically trying to figure out what to do. That is difficult to do when the body and brain are reacting to a trigger.
Set Boundaries:
A boundary is basically what is and what is not okay with you. Determine what you are comfortable with and set boundaries for yourself. This could include limiting interactions with certain family members or deciding on topics that you will not engage in discussions about.
A healthy boundary is never about the other person (remember, you cannot control them), it is about and for you.
For example, if a conversation begins to get out of hand, your boundary may be that you leave the conversation and the room, or you try to redirect the conversation to a more neutral and non-controversial topic.
You do not need to point out or tell everyone what your boundary is. You have decided on it beforehand, you know what it is and why you are doing it, you do not need to explain it to everyone. The only thing you have to do is to make sure that you follow through on your boundary.
For example, I had a client who made a boundary that if a certain family member began talking about a specific topic, she would first ask them to stop and if they did not, she and her family would get up and leave. Well, it happened, and right in the middle of dinner the family got up and left. Not aggressively, not with a bad attitude, they simply got up and said they had to leave. You must be willing to follow through on the boundary no matter how difficult it is.
Practice Self-Care:
You must prioritize your well-being during family events. This is not self-ish, this is a self-must! Take breaks when needed, engage in activities that bring you joy, and make sure to get enough rest and relaxation before and after the event. Identify and implement healthy and helpful coping strategies like:
- Deep breathing
- Praying or meditating
- Going for a walk
- Being in nature
- Do yoga or exercise
- Taking a long hot bath or shower
- Do not plan to do anything after the event
- Create a safe, quiet, and calm environment for yourself to decompress
- Watch a funny TV show or movie
- Writing in a journal
- Being grateful/Write out the things you feel grateful for
- Take breaks during the family event, play with the children, start a game
Seek Support:
Reach out to a trusted friend or family member who understands your situation and can provide support. It can be beneficial to discuss your feelings with someone who can offer empathy and advice. If dealing with family drama becomes too overwhelming and starts to significantly impact your mental health, consider seeking guidance from a therapist. They can provide tools and strategies to help you cope with and navigate difficult family dynamics.
Questions to help you prepare for the holidays when dealing with difficult family relationships:
- What conflicts/drama/issues typically happen at family events?
- How do I usually react?
- How do other family members usually react?
- How do I want to react? And what will help me do that?
- What are your specific triggers when around certain people?
- What is one thing you can do to prepare yourself for the event?
- What boundaries do you want to try to implement for yourself at this event?
- What self-care/calming strategies will you use beforehand? Afterward?
