The holiday season is officially upon us, and for many of us that comes with a whirlwind of planning, decorating, activities, etc. All of these are designed to make us feel that holiday ‘magic’ or ‘spirit,’ something akin to the warmth of loving friends and family, the anticipation of gift giving (and let’s be honest, gift-receiving), reconnecting with God at a Christmas Eve service, or even just the satisfaction that follows a seriously good meal.
But Not For Everyone
And yet, for many, that magical feeling seems elusive this time of year. It might even place a spotlight on what we feel like we’re lacking.
Have any of these thoughts ever crossed your mind: Why am I feeling so down/anxious/upset when everyone around me seems so happy? How am I supposed to enjoy the holidays without my loved ones who’ve passed away?
I know I’m supposed to feel joyful, but I just can’t seem to find any joy no matter how hard I try.
Sound Familiar?
If so, rest assured you are not alone! Depression, anxiety, grief; they can all feel very isolating and particularly despairing during a time when we’re made to feel we should be feeling the exact opposite. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way, does it? It doesn’t take a break throwing the tough stuff at us just because it’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, or a New Year. It doesn’t give us the luxury of putting grief on a timeline, as though there’s a magical number of years after losing someone that it will stop hurting that they aren’t here.
When “Should” is Burdensome
Take note of those times you find yourself using “should” language and how you feel and respond afterwards. “I should go to that work party.” “I should have the house spotless when family comes to visit.” “I should feel, think, act, and speak in ways that are joy-filled.”
How did you feel reading those statements?
For me, it feels burdensome. I can feel the anxiety start to creep in as I spy yet another dust bunny in the corner and my son refuses to take his nap. It’s in this moment that we have a choice, a choice to stop and speak truth to ourselves.
Let’s begin by replacing “should” with “could.”
“I could go that work party, but it falls on the anniversary of my mom’s death, so I don’t have to.” “I could try to clean every corner of my house before the in-laws arrive, but that would not make me a more valuable, worthy person.” “I could feel more joyful, but I don’t (and that’s ok!).”
Changing one word makes these scenarios more empowering and accepting of what is. We don’t always get to choose how something makes us feel, but we can choose how to respond. For many of us, that is wonderfully freeing.
This holiday season, let’s free ourselves from the burden of what “should” be and step into what is: the imperfect, the uncertain, the vulnerable. I am a beautiful mess. You are a beautiful mess. Let’s walk through life with others who see such beauty. Let’s find those who can help share our burdens. We are worth it!
