Being that May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I thought it was important to hear from someone who lives with mental health issues. I have asked her to share some of her story, along with some helpful hints so that others who have a loved one suffering from mental health issues can know how to be supportive.
I had thought about different plans to kill myself.
This topic has been and continues to be very hard for me to discuss. Let me start out by saying I was diagnosed with mental illness in January of 2019 at the age of 52. For all of 2019, I was suicidal on and off. It was so extreme that I had thought out many different plans of how to kill myself. As such, I ended up putting myself in a partial hospitalization program for over five weeks. I chose to do this instead of being forced into a mental hospital. This program was very helpful and supplied me with many tools to help me when I am not well and to keep me well.
I am a conservative Christian woman who has been very involved in my faith community. The first thing I would like to say about this topic is that I felt that I did not get the support I needed while I was going through all of this last year from my faith community. One person asked me how I was doing and then did not really listen and told me I should diet, walk, and exercise that it would help. Well in the state I was in that is something that I did not want to hear at all nor was it helpful to me and just upset me more. Another person asked how I was doing and I told them some of how I was feeling and they asked me if I was staying in God’s word because that should be the only thing I need. Again, this was hurtful and upsetting to me. There was a period of time that nobody was reaching out to me and I felt so alone and that nobody seemed to care. This caused more suicidal thoughts due to the fact that it was another affirmation that I was unlovable, and people did not really care if I was dead or alive.
What do you do when the family has no clue?
In regard to the family, they did not and still do not understand my mental illness. I have a sister in law that has a psychology degree that totally understands my mental illness and has been supportive and my go-to person in my family. My brother (her husband) does not understand at all as much as she has talked to him about it. My brother believes that I can help fix it with just thinking positive. Well, I am here to tell you this statement did not help as a matter of fact it made things worse. He even went as far as to offer me some self-help books that he has read.
My mom and dad asked me if I did not feel loved by them, and if not, is that what caused my mental illness. Yes, that is part of it but them half-heartedly saying “I love you” when they never said it my whole life was not helpful either. People including family members that try to give you all kinds of advice and suggestions when they know nothing about this makes me angry and I feel more hurt by it. So, of course, this is not helpful to someone struggling with mental health issues. I would be better off if they just said I am sorry to hear that and is there anything I can do for you. Or if someone just takes the time to sit and listen with no judgment and tries to understand.
The key is to not feel alone
One thing that has been very helpful for me is going to a Clubhouse. There are over 300 Clubhouses around the world. It’s a place where I can be myself and not have to pretend or hide if I am doing poorly. The people I met there are very understanding because everyone has been diagnosed with mental illness. All a sudden while going there I did not feel so alone. Everyone there goes through what I have been going through and are very sympathetic and caring.
Counseling has been extremely helpful to me. I go every week because I need to especially right now with all this isolation. It has been helpful for me to have my therapist to continue to reinforce my coping mechanisms/skills. It is also great and sometimes a relief being able to talk to someone who will not interrupt you or be judgmental. Counseling has allowed me to express all those hurts and to have my therapist acknowledge my feelings.
Another thing that is very helpful to me is if I am supposed to be someplace and I have not shown up and people realize it that they care enough to give me a call to see if I am ok. It is also helpful if someone realizes that I am not myself and is concerned enough to ask if I would like to talk. Also if people remind me to use some of my coping skills because sometimes I get so wrapped up in how I am feeling that I forget and don’t think about using those skills and this can be helpful to me. If people have not heard from me in a while it is also nice if they reach out and ask if I would like the company or would like to just talk. I believe it would be helpful for me if my friends, family, and faith community would be willing and able to get informed about mental health.
There is such a stigma that goes with mental health problems that people like me were, and are, afraid to ask for help. As well as to even mention to others that you are having a problem. For years before 2019, I struggled with many things and just kept pushing those feelings aside and if I had been open to getting help, I may not have gotten to the place I was in last year.
Some important take-aways here are that:
Be Supportive – This does not mean that you need to have any answers for them, or “fix” their problems, give advice, or offer clichés. This is not the time to share your opinion on mental health issues, to be critical, or judgmental. This does mean that you can listen well and attentively, show empathy and compassion for their suffering, and to ask them what they need from you in the moment. Sometimes you do not even need to say anything. Presence is a powerful thing. Please sit in their presence and their pain. This is the greatest gift that you can give them.
Be Educated – This does not mean that you need to be an expert on mental health issues, a professional in the field, or their therapist. This does mean that some research on the topic, or specific disorder they have, can help give valuable information. You can easily Google symptoms, causes, personal stories, etc. to learn more. Also, understand that mental health issues are a multidimensional issue with mental, physiological, relational, spiritual, biological, and emotional components. You do not have to have the same opinion as the loved one you are supporting but try to learn more to understand their struggles better.
Be Open – This is where you can be most helpful by encouraging your loved one to reach out for help. Getting help and talking to a professional does not mean the person is “crazy” or “abnormal,” it means that they are in a time of their life journey where they need a trained professional to walk alongside them. You can be the person who helps facilitate care and treatment for someone who needs it, and it could just save their life.
