One way to help identity what the negative self-talk or “brain groove” is would be to find the theme or pattern that speaks most loudly, and most often in a person’s thought process. What is the message that the tape recorder plays over and over and over again in their head?
Tip #3: Recognize the Pattern
In the book “How to Live Right When Your Life Goes Wrong” by Leslie Vernick, she uses an exercise to help counselees see how feelings and behaviors are linked to their thoughts about a situation, not the situation itself. By using Thought Charts (Vernick, p. 146, 149), I can help people begin to see how often they use their negative self-talk. I want them to be able to slow down their thought process long enough to actually see and hear the automatic nature of their negative self-talk.
Using the chart below, I first have counselees write down the Situation or problem that has occurred. Second, they are to go to the Feeling column and list all of their emotions that they are experiencing as the situation is occurring. Third, they then list how they responded or how they intend to respond in the Behavior column. Lastly, I ask them to go back and list every thought they had about the situation while trying to minimize emotive language. The purpose is to slow down and explore their thoughts as they perceive, process, and interpret the situation that is occurring. I often have them do several of these so they can identify the theme or pattern in their thinking. This pattern will often revel what the negative Self-Talk/Core Irrational Beliefs/Cracks in the foundation are.
Situation – 1 Thoughts – 4 Feelings – 2 Behaviors – 3
These charts are useful for all kinds of situations. They do not require there to be a “major” event to help identify the thought pattern. For example, I had a female counselee I was using these thought charts with to establish her pattern of thinking about herself. First, she filled out the situation. In this case she was making omelets and burned one. This may seem like an insignificant situation to have happened to her, but the goal was to see how she interpreted everyday events. I wanted her to hear how she talked to herself even about seemingly minor events in her every day routine. This was also important because cooking was the one are of her life she felt secure in, and by her own definition, the one thing that made her a successful wife.
Second, she listed her feelings about burning the omelet. She was feeling frustrated, upset, angry, and incapable. Third, she filled out the behavior. She made a fresh omelet for her husband and ate the burnt one. Fourth, she filled out the thought section. This is where the majority of describing self-talk occurs. She listed several thoughts including: “I am stupid,” “I can’t even do this right,” and “I am a failure.” She realized that in the several thought charts she had done she always came down to “I am a failure” language. She also realized that the eating of the burnt omelet, instead of throwing it away and making a new one for herself, was a punishment for being such a failure. What this exercise helped her realize was that this was not about the burning of the omelet (the situation), but what she thought about burning the omelet (“I am a failure”).
As Dr. Phil so often says “You cannot change what you do not acknowledge.” I cannot help counselees rewrite the script they live by if we are not able to first read what the script even says. I want to help people be able to edit and rewrite their life script, their narrative, that is founded on the truth of who they are and who they want to be, not who their negative thought patterns tell them they are or who to be.
