October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month
The first thing we need to do is expand our understanding and increase our knowledge about this issue. We often think of domestic violence as violence against a spouse, and it is that. However, it is not only that. Understand that it also includes any intimate significant other, family members, former spouses, former or current girlfriends, and boyfriends.
We also tend to think of domestic violence in terms of physical abuse, and it is that. However, it is not only that.
One in four women and one in seven men will experience severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime (CDC). One in fifteen children will be exposed to or witness intimate partner violence (NVADV). However, understand that it also includes threats of physical violence, actual or threats of sexual violence, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, stalking, financial abuse, and much more.
Looking for bruises is not the only way to recognize if abuse could be occurring. Review the Power and Control Wheel below to be able to see what abuse could look like in your life or in the life of someone you know.
How Can You Respond to Domestic Violence?
Listen, do not tell
It is easy being on the outside looking in and telling someone else what they should do with their life. That is not what is needed in this situation. Telling someone to “just leave” is not the most helpful or safe answer, even if it is what you want them to do.
It takes an average of nine times for someone to leave an abusive relationship. Your presence and support are vital in being there for someone in this situation. Telling them what to do is confusing, adds more stress to an already stressful situation, and takes more power away from the person being victimized.
Do not assert your control over them, this is what the abuser is already doing.
Give resources, not solutions
The most important thing you can do is equip someone with information. Give them hotline numbers, offer to give them to a ride to a shelter when they are ready, go to court with them to file for a PFA (Protection from Abuse Order), be a part of their safety plan, get them in touch with a domestic violence service center. Every county in PA has one, and their services are free.
Be wise, not the hero
Never put yourself in danger. Get to safety and call the police. Do not enter a volatile situation thinking you can solve it or fix it yourself. This puts you and all involved in danger.
Do not blame, try to understand
It is common for victim-blaming to occur in these situations. “If you just do what they ask, this wouldn’t happen,” “If you never dated them, you wouldn’t be going through this,” “Didn’t you see the signs? And then you had kids with him anyway, why did you do that?” “Emotional abuse is not as bad as being hit, you should stay, it’s not that big of a deal.”
The focus here is all wrong. No one deserves to be abused; no matter what choices they made, what they do or don’t do, what they did or didn’t see. Make the right person accountable here, the abuser, not the one(s) being abused.
Refuel your tank, do not run on empty
You can be there for someone, but you can not live their life. You can walk alongside someone, but you can not take on their life circumstances. You may be helping them, but you are not to become them.
Your part is to aid them, not to live their life story. Self-care is a must for you. You can not help someone with where they want to go if your tank is not full. Running on fumes does not help them or you. Please remember to take of care yourself and make sure you are refueling your tank.
How to Help Going Forward
Understand that you and the person you are helping will need time to heal from abuse. It is not over once a person leaves an abusive situation. There is a long road of recovery ahead for all of those involved.
Get educated
Learn about the effects of violence and abuse on those who experience it, witness it, and are the care givers during it. Research PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), depression, anxiety, and other common issues related to abusive relationships. See if you notice symptoms in yourself or those you are helping.
Get help
Find professionals and organizations that are trained in this area to offer help, counseling, support groups, etc. If you are struggling in your life, whether because of the abusive situation or just general troubles, feel free to contact us.
Get living
The abuse may have been apart of your life, or the lives of those you are helping, for a long time. There is more to the person and their life than the abuse. Help them see life in a new and fresh way.
They, and you, have seen the darkness and ugliness of life. Try to see the light and beauty of life too. It is there!
