To Be Seen or Not To Be Seen?
We’ve made it to February, and if you’re anything like me, you’re hunkering down for another long month of winter, putting away the last of those Christmas decorations, and planning Valentine’s date night with your significant other. Whether Valentine’s Day is a holiday you greet with anticipation, indifference, or dread, we can all use it as a time to reflect on those relationships that are most dear to us.
Let’s start by asking the question “How did those relationships develop into what they are?”
The answer: Vulnerability. B
y now, you may have heard of the ground-breaking research of Brene Brown, a vulnerability expert if you will. Brene defines vulnerability as:
- Uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
- The willingness to show up and be seen even when there are no guarantees.
- The willingness to put ourselves out there, again and again, knowing that eventually, we will fail.
- Our most accurate measure of courage.
Woah woah woah! Vulnerability = Courage!?
When I first read this in Brown’s book Daring Greatly it took a minute or two for my mind to wrap itself around this concept. But once it sunk in, the confusion was quickly replaced with that rush of recognizing the truth that comes with an aha! moment. Of course, vulnerability takes courage! What is it about relationships that scares us the most? Beeing seen. Being truly seen for who we are in a way that makes us feel exposed to possible attack, heartache, disappointment, etc. It takes tremendous courage to let down your guard and offer a piece of yourself up to another person to scrutinize and judge. And yet, real, deep relationships cannot exist without this.
Let me repeat that. A genuine, trust-filled, intimate relationship cannot exist in the absence of vulnerability. It is the key ingredient to being truly known, loved, and accepted. And yes, it is risky. We have all had those experiences in which letting down our guard resulted in pain and heartache. Maybe it was a friend who shared your secret with another person. Perhaps a romantic partner was unfaithful. Or maybe even you had to give a presentation to a group, and you really bombed. All of these scenarios required vulnerability, allowing yourself to be seen, and trusting those people with a part of yourself.
So what is the lesson for us in this? What is the point of recognizing the crucial role that vulnerability plays in our relationships?
Simply this: It is always worth showing up.
Whether or not the risk of being seen plays out the way we hope, it is always worth taking that risk. This does not mean that everybody in our lives gets to hear our full story and see every part of us. Only a few individuals should ever have the privilege of getting access to that! What it does mean is that taking risks in life and in relationships will undoubtedly result in a richer, more authentic life. Trying something new, telling someone you love them, having that tough conversation you’ve been avoiding. The list of moments like this that stretch us and force us to tap into courage (or at least fake it til you make it) is endless, and we get to choose to step into that vulnerable space and live more authentic, integrity-filled lives, or remain stuck in the places we feel safe. What will your choice be today?
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
Theodore Roosevelt, and the inspiration for the title of Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly
